On cherishing...

(By Mark)

As we come upon the year anniversary of saying goodbye to Bella and hello to Emma, I wanted to reflect on a few things I’ve noticed about myself in the grieving and bonding process with these two precious ladies. 

When we found out we would not be adopting Bella, there was obvious shock and grief.  There was a period of hope, there was always hope.  But there was also a time to recognize the inevitable, the loss of a child still with us.  Again, we didn’t know when she might be leaving us, but we knew it would come.  I found that something within me naturally changed in those circumstances.  I learned to cherish. 

I found that TV and video games weren’t as important as the fleeting moments I still had with Bella.  Her requests to be held were easier to comply with.  I found that the things that once seemed so important to accomplish “right now” were things that could be done later.  I also began to find myself fully present in each moment.  No longer was I thinking of the next thing on my list as I fed Bella her evening bottle.  And each and every sweet moment were times I just wanted to linger in.  Rocking her to sleep no longer was a chore to endure but a one more time to be with her, to watch her slowly fade to sleep, to kiss her head and lay her down.  There were tears, lots of tears, but there were memories burned into my heart forever.  Because I knew it wouldn’t last.  Each time I put her to bed was one less time, moving me towards the last time.  Boy did I learn to cherish her in those moments. 

And now, I am still learning to cherish.  What Bella taught me was that life is but a breath.  Those we love can be taken from us in a moment.  That knowledge can be dangerous, unhealthy.  It can lead some to protect themselves by never truly loving another.  To never really give themselves in love.  I choose to allow it to affect me in a different way.  To help push me to make the most of the moments I have.  And I’ve found this helps me to be a better father.  I yell a little less, and not as loudly these days.  Things the girls do are not as big a deal.  And I’m free to delight in them, even when they’re pouting, pitching a fit or hard to be with.  I can delight in my girls, I can cherish them because I know they won’t be this young forever, and they won’t be with me forever. 

Bella taught me to cherish her through her leaving.  The anguish of losing her made her all the more dear to me.  I doubt I would have appreciated her, appreciated my girls now, had I not engaged with the loss to come.  So this I commend to you dear friends.  Be in the moment with the ones you love.  Put the smart phones down, close the computers and go play with your kids.  Call your grandfather.  We are all hurling towards the loss of this life.  Make the most of it by not having regrets.  Cherish the now.