The parts that aren't easy

Well, we’ve just finished the ten days of IVs, had two days to breathe, and then this afternoon I get another call.  We have to bring her into the Children’s Hospital tomorrow morning for an ultra sound and some blood tests.  The appointment is at 8:30am and she cannot eat before she goes.  “What is this for?” I ask.  “They weren’t really clear, but I think it’s a normal check-up,” was the response. 

I’m trying to understand what’s happening in my heart, but there’s just something about this that is really unsettling me tonight.  Part of it is a culture clash I think.  This culture is fine with last minute announcements and schedule changes.  Americans like advance notice.  The fact that I have to go watch my hungry and crying daughter get stuck with needles in the morning instead of going for a run doesn’t exactly make me happy.  I would much rather stick to my original plan.

Part of it is that I feel out of control, and I like control.  Most moms know when their kids have doctor’s appointments and exactly what these appointments are for.  I’m told bring her to this place at this time, and I have very little idea what I’m getting into. 

Part of it is protective mothering coming out.  She was just stuck for ten days in a row, sometimes up to three times in one day.  Can’t the poor little girl have a break?!?  I hate seeing her in pain.  I know that some pain is necessary, especially if it’s for good (immunizations, for example).  But with this, I’m not the one making decisions and therefore I’m not entirely clear whether or not it is necessary and good.

Which brings me to the last point.  Probably what is most unsettling in all of this is that it’s such a reminder that she’s not officially ours yet.  We’re not the ones making decisions for her medical care because she’s not legally ours.  Prayerfully she will be soon.  But until then, I must endure all of this, because it’s the road that the Lord has taken us down. 

This road is filled with joy and absolutely worth it.  But it’s awfully hard sometimes too.