Leaving on a jet plane

We have to go on trip.  Because our adoption process has had some unexpected delays, paperwork is expiring.  We updated the home study the beginning of October.  For that we had to fly a licensed social worker to our home (from another city in our country, not from America.  But still not cheap).  Now the US government approval has expired and to get the approval extended you have to get fingerprinted, again.  We’re a bit baffled because our fingerprints haven’t changed since we did this a year and a half ago, but apparently we could have become criminals within that time.  It’s the background checks that have to be run again and fingerprints are needed to do that.  Now if we were in America, we would drive somewhere within the town we’re living in and get this done, a total of a couple hours perhaps.  But we live in East Asia and we have to fly to another city to go to the US consulate for these fingerprints.  Because of flight times and travel within that city to get to the consulate there’s no way for this to be done in one day.  So we spend the night in a hotel and have two very long days. 

There are a few bonuses to this trip…We’re traveling from temperatures in the mid 40s to a high of 78 tomorrow.  We’re traveling from a city with sparse locally run western food to a city with Starbucks, Burger King and a Mexican restaurant, and we will even have time to visit them!  And we may just find a few fun Christmas presents, because there’s always better shopping in places like that.

 
This means that Bella will have two days without us.  I’m guessing it’ll be rather rough on her since she’s pretty attached to me right now.  But our dear friends have agreed to take care of her and I know they’ll do an excellent job.  Please pray for her little confused heart and safe travels for us.

An afternoon photo shoot

Bella kisses her baby like she kisses us, open-mouthed and slobbery!

This doll is actually one that I played with as a child, "Honey"

Is she tired from taking too many pictures...

or because it's nap time?  I can't remember.

We love our sweet girl!!!

Caught in the Moment

It snowed today.  I was on break from class and wandering campus thinking, praying and worrying.  Thinking about words my wife had said the night before.  “Why can’t something go right for us, just once????  Why can’t we have something that gives us just a little hope????”  She said it so much more eloquently, but her words encompassed the feelings I’d had for the last 6-8 months.  Last night had been  a late night and today an early morning of wrestling with choices in our adoption process that are gut –wrenching.  “God, couldn’t you give us just a little hope?  Couldn’t you give us some sign that things will turn out OK, that you truly ARE working all things for our good?  Because right now it doesn’t feel like it.” 

We have glorious times with Bella that cannot escape the looming shadow of her impending departure.  She giggles with full belly laughs that are a delight to the ears as we hide our tears behind forced smiles and hidden sorrow.  She’s too young to perceive that we are trying to protect her.  Or are we trying to protect ourselves? 

Then, today, as it was snowing, I was brought a measure of comfort.  At first there was a flake here and there, wisping and wandering through the air.  Without any wind they seemed to dance all around me, calling my eyes heavenward and away from my thoughts.  Bigger and loftier flakes began to fall until I was in a snow globe of emotions.  I began to remember simpler times.  Times as a boy in Ohio laying on our front lawn looking up and letting the cold flecks touch my face and melt.  Times with loved ones, my brothers, Erika, my niece and nephew and how the snow seemed to change how we interacted with one another.  Times when my biggest worry was the paragraph I had forgotten to write for my high school American Lit. class.  Was life really that much simpler, easy, pure, or was I just remembering it as such?  At the time I remember the stress of life as being greater than what I thought I could handle.  It took faith in His hands and plan and sovereignty in this world to overcome those pressures.  Had life really changed that much?  The decisions are greater, have greater importance, seem more complex, but am I not a more mature, stronger man through the years?  More importantly, has HE not shown Himself faithful through all the trails and hardships?  So then, can I not trust Him that much more? 

The snow was coming down now in an onslaught of white.  The bell had rung, students had gone inside and class had begun again.  Yet there I was breathing it all in.  Trying to make the moment last.  Trying to remember and forget all at the same time.  My Norman Rockwell moment would soon pass, but then, for just a moment, hope sprang into my heart again.  It is impossible to rush about and be so concerned with the weightiness of life when a slow snowfall alights on your world.  For the moment, our decisions did not seem so momentous.  For the moment, I was living in the moment.  Not in the past where regret and what ifs and what could- have- beens survive.  Not in the future where worry, doubt and fear exist.  That moment I was there, present in the present.  And it is in the present that hope can exist.  In the present, I am realizing that I can enjoy the moments that I have with my daughter.  It is in the present that I can truly live.  The key in this though, is to trust His plan for our future and His provision for our past, Christ Himself.  Upon these truths, I can live in the present.  A gentle snow fell today and it was glorious. 

How We're Doing

All things considered, not too bad.  For the most part we live our lives with the joys and struggles of parenting a ten month old.  She’s crawling all over the place, so we’re trying to keep her out of the kitchen and bathroom and sweeping our floors like we never have before.  We do everything we can think of, and some things accidentally, to get her giggling like crazy.  Belly laughter is a daily occurrence.  Our backs hurt a bit from carrying her around and hunching over to help her walk and we’re trying to figure out what’s causing somewhat regular vomiting.  The girl has quite a gag reflex.

But of course, we have moments.  Moments when we think about what has happened and what is to come, and the tears come so quickly.  Thinking about the fact that she will be here one day, with all her glorious giggles, and gone forever the next day, fills my heart with more sadness than I want to bear.  So most of the time, I don’t think about it.  Please be praying that I stay engaged with my heart throughout this process.  In reality the depths of the pain and the heights of the joy are hand in hand during this season of life, and I just need to embrace that.

Truth I'm Clinging To

No Regrets

Mark and I have always been people who've said, "We want to live life with no regrets."  That's part of what I think about regarding how we move forward.  We've decided we will keep caring for Bella until her adoptive parents come to get her.  In the big decisions of fostering Bella, I have no regrets.  But now I wonder, in the little everyday ordinary of life, how can I live the next several months with no regrets?  So that ten years from now I don't think back on my time with Bella and think, "I wish I'd done this." 

Many of you have asked how you can help us and if there's anything you can do.  Praying for us is huge.  Please do not stop praying.  But I also welcome your suggestions on how to live without regrets.  How do you bring timeless memories into your family?  How do you enjoy each moment?  How do you make time to stop and be? 

What if you only had four more months with one of your children?  What would you do?





The past few days it has meant this... 





Bella has fallen asleep during one of her bottles and instead of putting her in her bed for a nap, I just hold her and let her sleep.  Yesterday I read Isaiah 40-43 while she slept.  Today, I napped with her.  These times have been sweet precious moments with my Lord, my prayers and my baby.

We don't understand, but we trust

(posted by Mark)

Dearest and loving friends,  Erika and I have been so thankful for your love, support and prayers these last few days.  We wish that we could bring better news, and though our hearts are heavy, we know we’ve done everything we could to make Bella a part of our family.  On Monday, we found out that Bella will not be allowed to be adopted by us.  She will be adopted by another family.  Erika and I are struggling to understand and to trust that the Lord has our best in mind.  We know He is good, but it’s so hard to experience right now.

We have many questions, but what we know is that she was declared a healthy child and will be put on a separate list.  We are only qualified to adopt a "waiting child"... Or a child with minor special needs.  When Bella came to us, she had a heart problem, was underweight, possibly had Hepatitis B and other minor things.  As we cared for her, she was healed of most of these issues... And became healthy and therefore not adoptable by us.  She will be matched with a family within the week, and we will have her for at least two but more likely about four more months.  All our options have played out... The director was super kind, Lily was very helpful.  Everything was done that could have been done.  We plan to honor our love and commitment to her and keep her with us until she joins her new family.  Pray for our hearts to be strengthened, our eyes to be opened to His love and character and for perspective as we grieve.

We welcome your continued prayers, comments and the Bible passages that the Lord lays on your heart for us.  We weep daily in our grief, rejoice in Him, as our strength is renewed, and look in hope to the future that He will unfold for us.  We are thankful for the time we’ve had and will have with Bella.  She’s so beautiful.  She’s so very special.  We rejoice that she has been healed of so many things.  God is doing an AMAZING work in her.  We rejoice at the outpouring of support and love for us, it has helped buoy us in so many difficult moments.  We rejoice that this is not the end of her or our story.  We rejoice that we were able to be a part of her story, to be a mother and father to her, to help her KNOW that she is loved and wanted and not abandoned, not alone, not lost.  She has been cherished since the day we first met her and I know will be in our hearts forever.

Please continue to pray:

-That her home would be a loving one, that we might even be able to know a little about who they are.  We are praying that they know Christ and will raise her to know Him, pray for this.

-That we would be renewed by Him, supported by Him, close to Him.  We struggle hourly in our grief.

-That we would wait on Him to continue to reveal our story… we are still in the process to adopt two children… and in the midst of this difficult time, we have to make some timely decisions to move forward. 

We love you all and are thankful for you beyond words.