How We're Doing

All things considered, not too bad.  For the most part we live our lives with the joys and struggles of parenting a ten month old.  She’s crawling all over the place, so we’re trying to keep her out of the kitchen and bathroom and sweeping our floors like we never have before.  We do everything we can think of, and some things accidentally, to get her giggling like crazy.  Belly laughter is a daily occurrence.  Our backs hurt a bit from carrying her around and hunching over to help her walk and we’re trying to figure out what’s causing somewhat regular vomiting.  The girl has quite a gag reflex.

But of course, we have moments.  Moments when we think about what has happened and what is to come, and the tears come so quickly.  Thinking about the fact that she will be here one day, with all her glorious giggles, and gone forever the next day, fills my heart with more sadness than I want to bear.  So most of the time, I don’t think about it.  Please be praying that I stay engaged with my heart throughout this process.  In reality the depths of the pain and the heights of the joy are hand in hand during this season of life, and I just need to embrace that.

Truth I'm Clinging To

No Regrets

Mark and I have always been people who've said, "We want to live life with no regrets."  That's part of what I think about regarding how we move forward.  We've decided we will keep caring for Bella until her adoptive parents come to get her.  In the big decisions of fostering Bella, I have no regrets.  But now I wonder, in the little everyday ordinary of life, how can I live the next several months with no regrets?  So that ten years from now I don't think back on my time with Bella and think, "I wish I'd done this." 

Many of you have asked how you can help us and if there's anything you can do.  Praying for us is huge.  Please do not stop praying.  But I also welcome your suggestions on how to live without regrets.  How do you bring timeless memories into your family?  How do you enjoy each moment?  How do you make time to stop and be? 

What if you only had four more months with one of your children?  What would you do?





The past few days it has meant this... 





Bella has fallen asleep during one of her bottles and instead of putting her in her bed for a nap, I just hold her and let her sleep.  Yesterday I read Isaiah 40-43 while she slept.  Today, I napped with her.  These times have been sweet precious moments with my Lord, my prayers and my baby.

We don't understand, but we trust

(posted by Mark)

Dearest and loving friends,  Erika and I have been so thankful for your love, support and prayers these last few days.  We wish that we could bring better news, and though our hearts are heavy, we know we’ve done everything we could to make Bella a part of our family.  On Monday, we found out that Bella will not be allowed to be adopted by us.  She will be adopted by another family.  Erika and I are struggling to understand and to trust that the Lord has our best in mind.  We know He is good, but it’s so hard to experience right now.

We have many questions, but what we know is that she was declared a healthy child and will be put on a separate list.  We are only qualified to adopt a "waiting child"... Or a child with minor special needs.  When Bella came to us, she had a heart problem, was underweight, possibly had Hepatitis B and other minor things.  As we cared for her, she was healed of most of these issues... And became healthy and therefore not adoptable by us.  She will be matched with a family within the week, and we will have her for at least two but more likely about four more months.  All our options have played out... The director was super kind, Lily was very helpful.  Everything was done that could have been done.  We plan to honor our love and commitment to her and keep her with us until she joins her new family.  Pray for our hearts to be strengthened, our eyes to be opened to His love and character and for perspective as we grieve.

We welcome your continued prayers, comments and the Bible passages that the Lord lays on your heart for us.  We weep daily in our grief, rejoice in Him, as our strength is renewed, and look in hope to the future that He will unfold for us.  We are thankful for the time we’ve had and will have with Bella.  She’s so beautiful.  She’s so very special.  We rejoice that she has been healed of so many things.  God is doing an AMAZING work in her.  We rejoice at the outpouring of support and love for us, it has helped buoy us in so many difficult moments.  We rejoice that this is not the end of her or our story.  We rejoice that we were able to be a part of her story, to be a mother and father to her, to help her KNOW that she is loved and wanted and not abandoned, not alone, not lost.  She has been cherished since the day we first met her and I know will be in our hearts forever.

Please continue to pray:

-That her home would be a loving one, that we might even be able to know a little about who they are.  We are praying that they know Christ and will raise her to know Him, pray for this.

-That we would be renewed by Him, supported by Him, close to Him.  We struggle hourly in our grief.

-That we would wait on Him to continue to reveal our story… we are still in the process to adopt two children… and in the midst of this difficult time, we have to make some timely decisions to move forward. 

We love you all and are thankful for you beyond words. 

Struggling for Strength

This is very hard to write and may be very hard to read.  For the last three months we’ve been living in a dream world that has become more like a nightmare since Saturday morning at about 10:30.  Some of our biggest fears are coming true.

When we entered this foster child idea, we both said to ourselves and all involved, “we’re not fostering unless we can be almost 100% sure we will adopt this child.  It would be way too emotionally draining for us to have a child enter our home for a short time only to be adopted by another family.”  We did not move forward until we had checked into all of it, and all signs said “Go.”  This had been done many times before, and we were reassured that as long as the orphanage and the local government write recommendation letters, we would be automatically matched with her.  And that has been true, until recently.

Saturday morning we were told that the CCCWA contacted the director of our orphanage to tell him that they are not willing to directly match us with Bella for adoption.  We were told maybe if her special needs were very severe, they would be willing to do that, but not for us and Bella.  This means that Bella is currently in the system to be adopted by the first family she is matched with in the coming weeks.

So, we are left with a few VERY slim possibilities that we will still be matched with her.

1.       We have asked for a meeting with the orphanage director.  The foster care director will ask the orphanage director if he is willing to meet us tomorrow morning.  We would like to ask him if he’s willing to contact these government officials on our behalf, to see if there is anything that can be done.  Please pray he is willing to meet us and advocate for us.

2.       Our adoption agency has Chinese staff who is in regular contact with this government department.  A woman named Lily will call for us tomorrow and ask why this decision has been made and if anything can be done.

3.       If one and two fail and we are not automatically matched, Bella’s file of paperwork will go into a large system on a specified day and time, which we don’t know yet, but it will be soon.  70 adoption agencies, including ours, will basically compete to see who can grab these children with minor special needs most quickly.  Maybe our agency will happen to be the one to see Bella’s file first and they can grab it before other agencies get to it.  We were told children with minor special needs stay on this list for no more than five minutes.  We were also told the probability of this happening is very, very small.

We are heartbroken.  We long to trust and believe our Heavenly Father, but this road has been so long, so draining and so hard.  It is hard for our hearts to sort out the circumstances, our feelings and God’s character and come to a conclusion that gives us peace.  Neither of us are sleeping well, we struggle with tears hourly.  We have so many memories, so many fears for her future and so many questions…

Friends, would you pray for us… with us… right now?

Mark, Erika, and Bella

IVs Round 3

Start tomorrow, and I'm not too happy about it.  The doctor last week evaluated her for two whole minutes and said she needs to keep getting them.  Please pray for my attitude.

On a happier note, paperwork continues to go through.  Pray that our agency receives our LOA (see my post in December 2011 for a lil' help with the acronyms) within the next few weeks! 

She's walking...with our help :)