Empty Bellies

It’s 11:30 pm.  Mark is due to arrive at our city’s airport at anytime and I’m lying in bed still awake, waiting for a text message that will tell me he’s arrived safely.  My stomach starts to growl.  Not because I didn’t eat…I’d had a bowl of left-over broccoli potato soup and a handful of nuts for dinner.  But that was hours ago and not enough to stick with me.

My thoughts drift to my daughters.  Not knowing where they are or how old they are, but knowing that likely they’re already born, sometimes I wonder what kind of life they’re experiencing right now.  So last night, I was wondering, “Are they too going to bed hungry?”  Are they in a poor orphanage that has to ration the amount of formula each child gets?  Or maybe it’s adequate in quantity, but not in quality and lacks the nutrients their little bodies need.  Are they crying at night when their bellies get hungry?  Or have they learned that even crying doesn’t help because they won’t get any response?  My heart shudders at these thoughts. 

 

Or maybe, just maybe, they’re in the small minority of orphans whose conditions are the best they possibly could be.  Maybe they’re warm and well-fed and living with a foster mommy and daddy who love them.  Maybe they’re in a bright and cheerful and well-funded orphanage where most all their needs are being met.  Still, they need me, they need Mark.  They need a forever family.  

God, I know that you’ve chosen them for us and us for them.  Protect and provide for them now and unite us soon.

"Being in your life is gonna change me"

Mark found this song and printed it off for me:  (You can listen to it below.)

Haven't Met You Yet lyrics
Songwriters: Michael Steven Buble, Alan Chang, Amy Foster

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love
I just haven't met you yet

Then he asked what I thought it was about.  I said, "our girls".  But it isn't, it's a love song. :)

 

Bring on the madness

Those of you who know me well know that I am an extreme extrovert.  I can take about two hours of quiet alone time and then I'm done.  I need to turn on music, call a friend or connect to others virtually through Facebook and blogs.  But as much I'm addicted to Facebook and blogs, a computer screen just doesn't cut it for me.  I NEED to be around people. 

My husband has been traveling a lot this week and our apartment is way too quiet for my liking.  Having lots of time to do whatever I need or want to do sounds like a dream right?  Most of you probably think, "I wish I had that kind of time and that kind of peace and quiet."  But honestly to me this week, it's been more like a nightmare.  When I have lots of extra time, I don't get super productive.  I don't get creative (and write my husband poetic letters to tell him how much I miss him.  That's what he did for me when I was in America for two weeks this summer, but he thrives with lots of alone time.  I don't.)  I don't relax.  I don't enjoy it one bit.  I just get bored. 

I know several months from now when we get our little girls and we're struggling to figure out the hustle and bustle of everyday life with them, I'm sure there will plenty of thoughts in my head about what I should have done with this time.  But right now, in my optimism and in my longing for what I don't yet have, all I can think is "bring on the madness."  I really think I'm going to like it.  

Split Pants Dilemma

We've requested two girls under the age of two.  So I've been watching toddlers very closely, with a huge smile and the thought, "will my little girl look like you?"  Recently, my thoughts have also been turning to the very practical.  Split pants. 

Almost all babies and toddlers and even a little older kids in China have them.  It's what they're used to.  Split pants have a large gaping hole in the middle.  If kids need to go to the bathroom, they just squat down and go...on the roadside, in a shopping mall, wherever they might be.  Parents will hold smaller babies with legs widespread and whistle.  This trains the child to pee on cue.

So, what do I do when our girls are handed to us and they're used to wearing split pants!?  I don't want them to wear split pants.  I don't want them to just squat anywhere they need to go.  I don't want them to start peeing when they hear someone whistling.

But I've also heard that if this is what they're used to, they may not like to or want to wear diapers.  They'll think it's gross.  So does this mean that I'll need to potty train my one year olds?  There are so many unkowns...

Delight and Desire: Same same or different?

In his book “When I Don’t Desire God”, John Piper discusses the difference between delight and desire.  He explains that we often think desire is a longing for something in the future and that delight is an enjoyment of it now, in the present.  But he argues it’s not so simple—part of the delight in a thing is the desire for it. 

 

“All the desires leading to it and following after it are one big pleasure…Desire is awakened by tastes of pleasure.”  (p. 26)

When we look at life’s circumstances, we desire and delight in so many things: marriage, family, a good dinner tonight.  Yet all of these longings and desires mirror our spiritual state.  Jesus really is the only One who can satisfy.  I taste His goodness in my relationship with Him, but there will always be a longing for more.  This longing and desire for more of Jesus is delight—both His and mine.  

For example…I am anticipating the adoption of our two little girls.  The joy in them doesn’t begin the day we receive them.  My longing and desire for them now represent my delight, my joy that I will be the mother of these two precious souls.  The desire comes from years of tasting the joy and delight of being with other people’s children.  It also comes from the joy of seeing God reproduce Himself through us into the lives of others.  Oh how I long for His glory to be reproduced through us to our very own children.  So as I dream and anticipate and long for them, I can rejoice and enjoy the longing.  This is how I can enjoy the waiting.

Waiting stinks

Waiting is never easy and usually not very fun.  But life is full of it.  We are always waiting for something.  Sometimes the waiting is clearly defined.  You know exactly what you’re waiting for and exactly when that thing will come…waiting in line for instance, or in East Asia a mob.  Sometimes the end is not so definite…waiting for a husband or a job offer. 

I’m continually challenged with the idea to enjoy life as a journey, to enjoy the process.  It’s hard to do.  It’s not natural.  But I’m learning that it’s necessary to enjoy the waiting so that I’m not wishing away my life. 

Waiting for children to enter our family has been like this.  I’ve struggled to truly enjoy the waiting and all that God’s allowed me to experience and taught me along the way.  I love my job and I love my life, but I continually struggle with longing for the next stage. 

Welcome!

I've really enjoyed reading others' blogs recently, especially my friends who have adopted.  I love hearing about their lives, seeing their pictures and getting a glimpse of what God is doing in their hearts and through their families.  I've found myself laughing out loud, tearing up and just so thankful to be connected to them in this way.  So, I decided it would be fun to begin blogging myself.  I don't promise to be as creative or post as often as they do, but I do hope that as you read my blog, you'll find yourself smiling too.