Because I’m tired and I’m stressed! This roller coaster of a life we’re on,
well, it’s started to slow down a bit. In
the sense of, major life events have stopped piling up like the snow has this
year. In the past month or so, a path
has begun to be dug to my heart. And
what I’ve found is a whole lot of emotions in there. Sadness, lots of it. Fear.
Hope. Joy. And fatigue.
I’m trying to seize a few of the girls nap times to take an honest look
at my heart and work through some of these emotions. Because then and after they go to bed at
night are the only times of quiet and stillness in our home. The rest of our time is a frenzy of me trying
to keep my cool while feeding, diapering, and toileting while attempting to keep
some order to the house and play with some purpose.
I long for this to look and feel differently. I want to be less stressed and more
joyful. I want to yell less and laugh
more. I want to correct with gentleness
instead of panic. (She pulled the folded
laundry off the couch. Yes, that’s
annoying, but it’s not disobedience and it’s not harming anything. I don’t have to freak out.)
In 1 Peter 3:4 the Bible says that a gentle and quiet spirit
is an imperishable quality that is precious in the sight of God. Oh how that does NOT describe me right now. Depending on myself produces nothing but
ugliness. However, even in the midst of
all my heart has been through, and all that my days hold, I believe “gentle and
quiet” can describe me as I depend on Jesus to give me strength. Even though I’m failing regularly, I know
that His grace is sufficient and His love is constant.
I'd really appreciate your prayers!
2 comments:
I just read this now, but wanted to let you know that I am right there with you...and so are millions of other moms of 2 toddlers! It is a HARD job and I try to keep my cool too, but find myself losing it far too often. We can just keep trying each day to do better. I know even though you might not be doing things are perfectly and gracefully as you'd like, you're doing an amazing job as Elsie and Emma's mom. xo
Two blogs you might want to check out (if you haven't seen them yet): Hands Free Revolution and Abundant Mama
Well I know one thing for certain- You are NOT alone in these feelings! I'll share a few things that have helped me. 1. Giving Grace to myself. I don't have to be perfect. God loves these kids more than I ever could, and He plans their path. That's step #1 to being able to take a deep breath! 2. Giving them grace. There is a great book on this, titled "Give them Grace". It's not perfect, but pretty good. 3. Realizing their behavior does not equal their character at this age. Yes, we see so much of their personality. But I think often we can mistake their disobedience and youthful immaturities as their character- And it's simply not true. As I examine why I am so angry/anxious/fearful and reacting to situation more strongly than what is necessary, what I usually see behind it is fear. Fear that they aren't being raised well, will always be making poor choices, and that somehow I must think they will always be they way they are acting. Sounds ridiculous to say outloud, but there is some element of it in my head causing fear! and 4. I have to schedule my days to meet my needs. This is the hardest one. I have to wake up early (sometimes radically early) to have my quiet time. I have to take time out to give myself a cup of tea, hold it and feel it's warmth. I have to get out in the sunshine. I have to read, esp. books like Ann Voskamp's 1000 gifts. I have to keep a list of thanksgiving. I have a mother's helper come out twice a week for 2 hours to play with the kids while I make dinner (often young teens will do this for just $1-3/hr). I have a "Mommy's Morning Out" on saturday's to go sit, read, and plan my week, or get work done.
Praying for you! I hope as you examine the emotions and continue to seek God in this, that he will lead you where your heart needs to go for healing and strength. You are such a blessing to those beautiful girls!
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