Bonding with Mark (by Mark)

Many of you have been asking how I’ve been doing, how Emma and I have been bonding.  The short answer is, “Better everyday”.  But I find that hides some of the hard part of where I’m at.  When Bella left us she had been our first child, had been very dear to us, to me, and I really just enjoyed her.  Sure it was hard at times, as it is with all children, but there were such sweet moments and she had no fear in cuddling, no sense of displeasure in being tickled or snuggled and regularly fell asleep in my arms.  With my personality I also very much love to play with kids… my kids especially.  Bella loved this.  Loved my beat-boxing, being chased around, tossed up in the air and read to.  All this to say, we were bonded.  Emma is very different. 

I know I can’t expect her to be the same with me.  I know it will take time.  But it’s really hard.  It’s hard when she’s upset and only wants mommy.  It’s hard when she’s afraid and I can’t comfort her.  She is getting better, but the first name, the first person she wants is Mommy.  There are times when I just want to give up, to have a pity party and go do something productive.  But I know that it is only my presence that will help her get used to me, only seeing me in action, interacting with Mommy and others that will teach her to trust me, to love me.  There was a morning soon after we finalized Emma’s adoption where in the early hours as my mind was quieted and just starting to think of the day that I felt strongly the Lord speaking with me.  The impression with which He left me was “It is those relationships that are the hardest to forge that delve the deepest and are set the strongest”.  What that meant to me was that the time and effort to win the trust of this three-year-old would not only be worth it, but would one day yield a special bond. 

This also got me to thinking about my relationship with the Heavenly Father.  Oh the patient and constant love of God.  That He would endure my wandering heart which seeks comfort in so many other things of this world, yet not the Comforter.  If only I would trust.  He’s done everything to show His character as loving, good and kind.  Still, my heart is prone to wander, set to trust in other things that are not even trustworthy.  To Emma I might say, “I am waiting, I am loving, I just want to be with you, to play with you.  You don’t need to impress me, serve me or be anything other than yourself to me.  I love you and just want to hold you on my lap, cuddle you for a few quiet moments, have your arms embrace my neck and know you trust me and want to be in that moment.”  To myself, I might remind me that the Father waits no less, loves no less, desires my presence no less.  I don’t have to “do” to impress Him.  He requires no gift or service.  I just need to “be” with Him.  Embrace Him.  Love Him.  He does not need me and yet He grieves my absence and distance as I grieve Emma’s. 

Day by day she’s learning to trust me.  She just kisses my forehead now… I think because of the whiskers.  She’ll let me hold her and toss her in the air, but only if she’s in a good mood.  She’ll accept my comforting arms if Mommy is not in the room, but still asks for Erika.  And lately, if she’s just sleepy enough, she’ll roll over in bed as I sing to her, and bury her head in my chest.