Goodbye

This past week has been filled with grief and joy.  Saturday morning we grieved packing up her things to prepare her to go.  We grieved hearing our doorbell ring as the social worker came to pick her up.  She asked us to go with her to the orphanage as it seemed Bella was having a hard time.  We grieved leaving her there.  Probably the hardest thing we’ve ever done.  She was placed in a room with 15 kids with severe special needs while she was “weaned” from us.  There were two nurses to care for all these kids.  Mark and I could barely keep up with Bella on our own.  How were they going to do it?

We grieved again when we came home to an empty house.  Bella was everywhere… in every nook and cranny, every toy strewn about, every book on her shelf.  We picked up half- eaten pineapple from that morning.  We folded up her bed.  We needed to prepare for Emma and begin to try to have some closure.  We needed to grieve through the putting away. 

The next day (Sunday, Mother’s Day) we were allowed to visit her at the orphanage.  We knew we needed, wanted to do whatever we could to ease her time there.  We knew it would be rough for her, but the reality was it was terrible.  We walked into her room and couldn’t find her.  There was no busy happy toddler running around.  Then they pointed her out.  She was sitting in a stabilized excer-saucer… the back of her hair matted from lying in her bed and fighting the ties that prevented her from climbing out.  She was asleep, face down.  She was dressed in orphanage clothes… nothing like the cute outfits we dressed her in.  She looked like… an orphan again.  She had food caked to the front of her and as she slowly opened sleepy eyes, she seemed to be dumbfounded we were there.  We learned later from the helpers that she had cried all the night before and that morning, smacking the glass door and crying for mama.  She wouldn’t eat for the nurses…we fed her.  She couldn’t play with the nurses, they were too busy… we let her have the run of the place.  She wasn’t rocked to sleep like normal…  I held her for 20 minutes as she settled down for a nap.  And then we had to leave again. 

That afternoon her forever family came.  They settled into their hotel, grabbed some quick supplies with their guide and when she had gone, gave us a call.  We went to their hotel, a mere block away, and met them face to face for the first time.  We were very encouraged by them.  We spent a fun dinner and evening catching up, showing pictures, telling stories and getting to know one another.  We gave them some of her clothes and a book on her time with us that I have spent months preparing.  Mark gave them 30 gigs of pictures and videos from the past year.  We took them back to the hotel with happy hearts, knowing that if Bella couldn’t be with us, this family will love her just as much as we do.  They have such loving and supportive friends and family all around them.  Bella will not be lacking for love, attention, clothes or dogs.  This brings us such joy.

Monday morning they went into the Civil Affairs office and she was there.  Cleaned and a bit frazzled, but immediately picked out their faces from all the Chinese ones around… and went to them.  There were tears of joy and tears of sadness.  After getting back to the hotel with her and getting settled, they called us.  “What are you doing?  Do you want to come down?”  We spent from about 2:30 to 8pm with them, watching her explore all her new things, taking them out to dinner and walking around a fruit and vegetable market.  It was really fun, but also a bit awkward…what should she call all four of us?  Is okay for us to hold her when she’s reaching for us or should we encourage her to be with them?  We could tell her little heart was confused and that she had a lot of emotions she didn’t know how to release.  Matt and Bridgett continued to be so gracious, “you can hold her, feed her, act like her parents, it’s okay.”  At the end of the night, we kind of snuck out of the lobby and then Bridgett told us the following morning what happened next.  When Bella realized we weren’t in the elevator she began crying and didn’t stop until about 9:30 when she finally settled down for bed.  Not exactly what you’d desire for your first evening with your new child. 

They were busy with appointments and tours that their adoption agency set up for them and they needed time as a family to adjust.  So we didn’t see each other Tuesday or Wednesday.  Thursday afternoon we met again and took them to a coffee shop to use the internet and get dinner.  It was another special gift to spend time with them and her.  She was happy to see us, but content with them.  She was running around smiling and laughing, sometimes wanting to be held by us, but happy in their arms as well.  We took more pictures and videos, trying to savor each moment.  She snuggled into my chest and wrapped her arms around me.  I said “I love you so much, baby girl” as I tried to fight back the tears.  And then she jumped down to run around some more. 

Our time with her had finally come to an end.  We said our goodbyes in the hotel lobby.  Of course Bridgett and I immediately had tears.  I thanked her for letting us be a part of their week here and she said, “Now go get your girls.”  We cried as we walked home, in the rain…a reminder that He’s here, crying with us.  I know it’s okay to grieve, she holds such a special place in our hearts and letting go of her hurts.  She will forever be in our hearts, but it’s also okay to move forward.  And Bridgett is right, it’s almost time to go get our girls.